igotthissoicanreadurjournal

10:46AM

yeh so its my 18th....and im home alone...tryin to study...cant say im not depressed

9:01PM

hmmm havent written in here for a while, but i relli cant b fuked sayin much so ill recap.....hsc is goin shit, bday in 3 days, goin to hong kong in a month prob workin in a minimum wage job in 2 months time . fuk u hsc!!

5:57PM

you guys and ur silly tag games....i shake my head at u and i refuse to tag any one else so they donthav to suffer. and mainly coz every freind i hav on here have already been tagged.

List up to ten (10) things you want to say to ten (10) different people. Do not state who these people are. Do not confirm or deny any 'comment speculation.' Tag five (5) people.

1. You keep me alive

2. You kept me alive

3. I wish you knew how i felt towards you, I wish our circumstances could have been different

4. You are a great friend, give me time for me to trust you completely and i hope you'll be able to wait

5. You freak me out sometimes, plus wat i said to 4.

6. You are my saviour

7. i wish i knew what goes on in your head

8. We should hang out more often

8:46PM - missed a couple

8:22PM - white boy adventures + random asian

i tried beign a white boy but no matter how mcuh i tried i still looked too gangsta





i made it


whittling a shankin knife, beign a white boy and gangsta at same time.

white boys

made a bonfire on this at night.

me and law catchin smalll fish

8:17PM - Muck up photo

bit late but meh.
the dress makes me look fat.

10:58PM

last week was good
thursday=HIM
saturday=Coheed and Cambria + hangin with boys

end of week turned super shit.
super shit mood.
not just shit. super shit

8:40PM

I WANT TO BE HAPPY, HANG OUT WITH FRIENDS, DRINK,YEAR 12 TO BE OVER AND I WANT TO SMOKE A PACK A DAY!!!

8:38PM

got assesments in 2 weeks,
have a headache
and lately , well not so lately but more for the past month, ive been feelin ...empty, the sorta empty when u look at grey clouds and ur not feelin anythin, not thinkin anythin except 'wat the hell am i suppose to b doin right now'
ive also been wantin to find someone special....not a girlfriend as such, but like a close friend who will go and hav a drink with me when we feel like it like they do in movies and tv. someone to enjoy a comfortable silence with.
its not as though i dont try and hav fun or try to meet new ppl....but its like my standards r too high and bcoz of that ill never find someone fitting. so...wat the fuk?
a lot of music i listen to now has lost a lot of meanin, bcoz i can no longer associate with it. i cant listen to my metal bcoz i dont feel i hate somethin or i dont hav somethin im relli passionate about, i cant listen to HIM as much now bcoz i dont hav someone to love and relate to every one of their songs.no amount of, screamin, prolonged heartfelt notes, beautiful lyrics can make me feel any differnt.
its not as though i dont understand wat im feelin, but more i dont know how to break free of it or find someone to break me free of it
p.s. smoke free for one week now

10:06PM

so bored right now i could cry

10:04PM

Rant number 1

So i know that i am loved by people, but i am not content.

My first and only serious relationship lasted for almost 4 years, and i shoudl consider myself lucky. however after such a long time, its hard to be accustomed to the single life. i know what it is to love someone deeply and what it is to be loved in return. durin that relationshp i felt extreme heartache for periods of even a few days without seein my gf.and though i think to myself that i am over her now, after 2-3 months since we'v broken up, there is definitely a giant void in my life. i know i am over her bcoz i dont love her, i loved the old her. people change.
to hav someone to hold makes u feel a lot more confident and better about urself in so many ways.
so many things that once was there is now gone, and wat is there to fill that void with?
another gf? that would b interestin, but i would only see more heartache in that unless the girl understands wat im thinkin and feelin and she would b a tolerant person. bit much to ask i reckon.
i want to be content, and i want to be complete and i want to b as happy as i was when i had someone to love

9:35PM

mmmmm.......havin only but an extremely small handful of people who are actually on my friends list...i dont no whos gonna read this but o well

u think u want to trust friends,
u think u can
but in actual fact u cant...*sigh

a life of beign a hermit doesnt sound too bad now

8:17PM - first ever journal entry

so t'is my first entry...not much to say...not much to reflect as of yet....i feel i hav to get more intimate with livejournal before i share my secrets
love alfonze